Today Is a Rainy Day

Today is a rainy day........

This is good as I am inside where it is nice and dry. I love that it is raining though---it gives a feeling of coziness even inside my office building. Makes me think that Fall really is right around the corner.

That means pumpkins, costumes, colorful leaves, and mums! All the fun things that make Fall so great. I think it is my favorite season---though Spring is always a nice time of the year as well.

So....get ready to get out all of your hoodies and jeans and make sure you are ready!

Love, S

Emotional Night

Last night I spent a large portion of the evening in a pity party. I try very hard to stay positive in my life and to appreciate my blessings but last night was not a night I felt like that! Didn't help that I drank a glass of wine and it seemed to rev up my emotions, then the hubby had to help my dad for an hour or so and left me alone at home, and then finally I turned on my favorite satellite radio station on the TV and it seemed to only play songs that triggered my emotions even more.

I try to really keep my life in check, to appreciate all I have, to enjoy my life and be mindful of the relatively little control I have on most things and be grateful for the way things turn out----even though they may not be the exact plan I had in my mind it always works out for the best.

But last night was a pity party! The kind where I cried for a lot longer than I wanted to. The kind where the hubby tried to be realistic with me when he got home and I told him "No, this is not the time when I want to hear about all I should be happy/grateful about". For a time I just wanted to wallow in the things I felt were the end of the world (to me) and totally not fair!

Hubby did a good job though.....he let me wallow, he let me cry, he hugged me. But he did not let me dwell too long.....he transitioned the mood very smoothly! Making me feel the way I felt and validating that....and slowly working the mood back to being appreciative. He did great! When I said that I sometimes wish I had never started certain things in our lives currently he said no....that he was happy that we had started our venture regardless of the outcome.....that we are spending time with someone that we love and adore....that we would not have otherwise....we are creating a relationship with a family that we did not know on the level we know now....that we have started the process to continue in a direction that may give us more that we ever hoped for....and cause more hurt, love and emotion than we can imagine.

So thankful for the Hubby last night! Though I was exhausted and went to bed early....not quite as uplifted as I normally am because I was so drained from my mini-breakdown.....I was in a better place because of him.

Love, S

Wow--Who Would Have Thought?

So over the years I have attempted to put myself on a budget but have never succeeded. I usually go a few days then get bored and go shop and spend money on a bunch of things I don't need. Or I get an idea of something I want to do to my house or an outfit idea and I will search high and low to find something I want---usually never finding the "perfect" item I see in my head but finding and buying many other things along the adventure.

For the last few months though I have really made the effort to stop needlessly and unnecessarily spending and shopping.

And you know what--its working! I have bought many less items, I have started to really think about what I am buying and why, and I am saving money!!! Our bank account is growing and our debt is shrinking. I am as happy or even happier (no more buyers remorse if I'm not buying) than I already was. Now--I have still bought a few things here and there but they are things that are extremely inexpensive, that I really did need, and that I really mulled over before deciding if I could afford it and if I really did want and/or need it.

Staying out of the mall---that has helped a ton! Still going to Target as much or more than before (I LOVE TARGET!) but not just throwing any random thing I see in the cart.

I am spending more time at home or with friends/family doing things that don't involve much money. And we are having as much fun as we ever have!!

So---I am proud to say I am starting to shop and save money like a real adult!

I just hope that I can continue, I really think I can.........I will keep you all posted :)

Love, S

Now Molly Takes Pilates????

So as you all know my Molly has a life that is quite, well, privileged! While I am in KC on a work trip she spent a few days and nights with her favorite friends---our nieces---ages 8 (well in about 7 weeks) and 10. Those girls love Molly~~~as most young girls would love a small, white, fluffy, cuddly doggie!


But don't think that they are the only ones. My sister-in-law, the non-dog wanting mother of two, loves Molly more than she lets known. Sure she is always nice to her and loves her---but I have always thought mostly for my benefit---to make sure she loves my "baby". But I am seeing more and more that she actually really does enjoy Molly.


Prime example today! I received this pic via text today from my (and my SIL's) pilates instructor. Molly spent all day with my SIL and even went to the pilates studio with her today. Now during the class she was kept in her crate but she still got plenty of attention and even spent a little time on the reformer*!!!


Is this not the cutest thing?

Love, S

*No animals were hurt or mistreated taking this picture~more accurately the animal photographed enjoyed being the center of attention of many women, was hugged and kissed repeatedly, and overall fawned over as the Diva Dog that she has grown to be*

Sometimes Life is Just Plain Not Fair!!!

I am at a point where I am realizing once again how unfair life can be sometimes. I should not be surprised by this fact nor should I truly feel that I am one who life has been unfair to. I have been lucky enough to enjoy a life of blessings that many would love.

But.....as we all know there are times when even the best of lives have moments in which you wonder why things happen the way they do.

I find myself thinking of children. Not my (our) unfortunate luck of not having our own children--but the parents that find themselves with children that they do not want, do not love, do not treasure.

I find the irony just "ironic"! Here I am.....with the great husband, the solid marriage, the two good jobs, the close extended family, all the settings for a so-called picture-perfect family in which to raise children----children that we consiciously want!

I am witness to a mother who does not want her baby. Who does not care for this child. That "endangered" (though I would call it something much worse) this child. She doesn't want this child. She doesn't want to raise it, love it, nurture it, treasure it.

But she refuses to give it up. She fights---she has little else to do---and she prolongs this child of a family, a permanent place to call her home. She claims she loves this child, that she is the mother. Well....when will being a mother mean more than just being able to conceive and deliver a baby.

As hubby and I have watched this story unfold, and are slowly venturing into the world of foster care ourselves----we wonder if we are ready for this. We know we are ready for the children----we don't know that we are ready for the parents like this one. To dedicate ourselves to help "reunite" children with these parents that have taken them for granted. And to give a home, permanently, to the ones that despite all efforts cannot be reunited.

Life is just plain not fair sometimes!!!!!

Love, S

Weekends Go So FASTTTTTTT

I love weekends.

I love the freedom, the downtime, the time to catch up on house stuff.



Most Mon-Friday workers love the weekends.



They just go so fast! It seems like there is so much to do with too little time.



This weekend in particular went super fast. We got to spend some time with a special family friend. So happy to have had the time together.



Here's to many more weekends like this one!



Love, S

What Could be Worse

I work with a woman that I think is the definition of a great mom. She loves her children more than anything but respects their adult lives in a way that is supportive but allows them independence. Her grandkids are also the biggest joy in her life!

This year she decided she would retire at the end of the year. At 62 she has the looks and energy or a 40 year old. She is loyal and dedicated and smart! I was sad to hear her decision but so happy for her to have this new chapter start--retirement!

Things were going great---then about 3 weeks ago her husband suddenly was laid off from his job of 20+ years. Though he was contemplating retirement soon for himself it was more than likely another year off. So this was quite a sudden shock as well as a real blow to the ego of a 62 year old man who has provided for his family well his entire life.

But then the worst happened! Last week they got the news that every parent---no matter the age of their children--can imagine. One of their 3 children, their middle child and youngest daughter, was diagnosed with cancer--PPC (primary peritoneal cancer).

Please visit the blog set up for Lisa Stockam King.

www.helplisafight.blogspot.com

Love, S

Been a long time

I have not been on here for so long! I don't have one great reason as to why. I have lots of mediocre reasons!

First--I was so discouraged after 4 failed fertility treatments in a row I didn't want to blog about them or anything else for that matter.

Second--my computer was having some slowness for quite a while---seems to be better now after I had it checked and updated/upgraded some things.

Third--I didn't really have much to blog about that seemed very blog-worthy!

Four--I actually do have something going on that is VERY blog-worthy but I can't talk/share/talk about it much yet. Just know that if it works out it will be the answer to our prayers!

So---for those of you completely in the dark---no worries! Just pray! Wish us luck and send us happy thoughts. I will share and update you all as soon as I can---if it works out!

Love, S

4th of July

Today is the 4th of the July! Though we did our firework celebration last night today is still a day of celebration. Our nieces, ages 10 and 7, are going to come spend he night with us tonight. Trust me---these two are definitely gonna keep us busy! My hope is that it will be warm enough and not rain so that they can swim when they are here----burn off some energy and then watch a movie later tonight.

We are in the midst of summer---and it is great! We have had a great season so far and I think it is going to get better and better!

Happy 4th to all!!

Love, S

15 years

It is hard to believe I have been out of high school for 15 years. What happened? How did I get to be in my 30's already?

Time and life happened. I am grateful that it has though still shocked that I am not that 18 year old anymore.

I saw a saying the other day that I thought was quite telling for my situation and will be more and more relatable every year:

Inside every old body is a young person shouting "What the hell happened"!

Though my body is not "old" yet I completely get this statement. I am happy the person on my inside is still young---I hope she stays that way.

Love, S

Looking Back

Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary.
I don't even feel like I am old enough to be married 11 years!
But I am
I married the boy I was head over heels for in high school
Though our years together have at times been shaky
I would not want anyone else
But that crazy, trouble-making boy from back then
Who has now grown into a great husband
To which I am as good of a wife as I can be
And as we celebrate tonight I plan to make an effort
To focus on just him, me and us
To enjoy each others company
To forget the problems we think we have
To let the night sweep us away
And to reminisce about all the life we have lived
Together......

And to spend time dreaming of the life we still have to live
Together..........

I love you Hubby!

Love, S

Time to Take a Break

After another round and still a negative result we have made the decision to take a break. Not sure how long we will take the break for--maybe the summer only, maybe til the beginning of next year, who knows! If it was up to the hubby we would "break" forever and either move on to pursue adoption or make the decision to not have kids at all. He makes a lot of sense---but right now I am still confused on what I want to do next.

So--for now we are going to take some time to think and relax. We both seem to feel that there is something that is to happen---and maybe soon---but we just don't know yet what it is.

Love, S

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder...
What it would be like if I had had a child earlier.
How would my life be different now?
How would my marriage be?
What kind of parents would we be?

Sometimes I wonder....
What it would be like if we NEVER have children.
Would we be resentful of each other one day?
Would our marriage survive?
Would we love our childless life? Feeling that we are totally carefree forever and just have ourselves to concentrate on? Would we feel selfish? Alone? Alienated from the "parent" world?

Sometimes I wonder...
What it would be like to have a baby right now.
Would I be stressed out all the time?
Would I want my old life back?
Would I love the child more than I love myself or my hubby?
Would I love being a mother?

The answers to all of these questions are scary to me. I worry that I will wake up and wish that my life was different---but right now I love my life! I worry that the part of me that loves my life so much right now is affecting the part of me that wants to have children. I worry that the part that wants children will lose and that I will wake up 30 years from now resenting the part that won. Its not that I don't want children necessarily, its just that I am tired of doing the stuff I have to do to have them. I am worn out, exhaustated, moody, crabby, fat, emotional, and just plan tired of it!!

Love, S

Nervousness

So Monday is Round 4......
Trying to keep my spirits up on this one
I do have a good feeling
So maybe that means something.....


Can't wait to find out!


Love, S

This week

Round 4 is this week (or so that is the plan). What I find ironic is that round 4 may actually take place on Mother's Day--how ironic is that? So it made me think of how this makes me feel. I have always celebrated Mother's Day with my own mother every year and added my mother-in-law years later and then my sister-in-law as she had children. But I have never been the mother---just the daughter, daughter-in-law and appreciative aunt to the worlds best nieces.

So could this be the last one I have to endure as the NON-mother? Truthfully it doesn't really bother me--mother's day. What bothers me the most probably is when others seems to feel sorry for me--like it is a painful day. I guess blessedly I usually have always just thought of it as MY mother's day---the day I celebrate my mother.

But I won't lie---it would be great if next year I am the mother too!

Love, S

Fun times

Getting ready to celebrate my birthday this weekend--starting today! Took the day off work and have plans this evening. Can't wait to spend time with all my family and some of our friends too. Wish there was enough time to see and spend time with everyone but time sure gets away from us!

I will be 33 years old this year. Not sure what I think about it besides that I am glad I have made it. Yes time is going a lot quicker than I ever imagined! I feel good though that I have made a good life for myself.

Happy 33 to me!

Love, S

Again....

Negative, Nada, zip, zilch, NO, BFN, nope, nothing, null

All words that describe my yesterday results!

On to round 4!


Love, S

Big Girl Panties---not all they are cracked up to be!

So yea, sometimes life is not what we expect. BIG SURPRISE! We have all been told that most of our life--that we don't get everything in life we want and that life is not always fair.

As my sister-in-law is known to say "Put on your Big Girl Panties and deal with it!" So, that is what I do. Everyday I "deal" with it.

But then there are the days that you just wanna put on your Strawberry Shortcake panties and cry. (Thanks A for that reminder!) So, figuratively, that is what I did last night. I had a little pity party. I went home and just sat. The hubby started dinner (I did help though!). He cleaned it up. I sat. I did fold a load of laundry, then sat in the bathtub. Hubby took the dog out, I went to bed and read a magazine.

Then this morning, I put one leg at a time in my big girl panties and am DEALING WITH IT!

Love, S

Even More Confused

This morning I did one of the things I should have known better than to do. So--I started thinking that it must not have worked-AGAIN! Why should I think any different? Sometimes I think that my coarse is set--that there is no way I will ever see that + because I am not supposed to go that route. So--I have often tested early and have always gotten the -.

Nothing new!

Until a few minutes ago when I got a sign that I have never had before. So I will stay hopeful until it is the right time to test.

So---keep your fingers crossed!

Love, S

I am sooooo sore

Ok---so today I am very sore from the shot I started yesterday. And I have to do this shot EVERYDAY (for right now an indefinite period). It is a looooonnnngggg needle! It leaves a bruise/knot on my leg and is sore when walking. What in the world will my legs look like in a week or so?

The things I do! Lets all hope it is worth it this time. And while I am complaining (which I really do try to keep to a minimum) why is it only me that has to deal with this while the hubby gets off scott free???? Its not that I wish him pain I just want someone to share it with!


Love, S

The life of a Diva Dog

I have to admit that I may own the biggest Diva Dog ever! Have I mentioned that she is also totally beautiful? The life of a Molly dog would not be so bad.

~~Everyone loves her
~~She sleeps ALL the time but then can suddenly have tons of energy to play
~~She gets cuddled constantly
~~No work for a Diva Dog
~~She kinda rules our household
~~Did I mention the gets to sleep all the time?

So---our Molly may just be the most spoiled dog---but she gives us so much joy and love!

Love, S

Just What I Needed

The weather this weekend was fantastic! Our favorite little girls were also here this weekend and we put them to work helping us with yardwork.

Here's to the little things that make the weekends absolutely fabulous!

~Lots of sun~Breakfast out~Braum's ice cream~Little girls trying to wash a big dog with the hose~Working on the garden~Dirty bare feet~Forts with lots of blankets~Couches made into beds~


This is just what I needed!

Love, S

Feels Like a Roller Coaster

So yesterday was a good and bad day for me. In some ways it was great---I did round 3 and we are very hopeful about it since my follicle and uterine lining measured so great. Lots of other things in our favor as well--like "third times a charm" and that yesterday was the 16 year anniversary of the hubby and my first date!

The bad....way emotional. Didn't help that something I ordered for our procedure did not get there when I thought it would---and it was something that we had to have and couldn't get here locally. Probably also didn't help that this month I was on an additional medicine I have not been on the last two times---and that medicine coupled with the trigger shot of hcG (which I was able to skip last month) made me an emotional WRECK.

I cried to the hubby on the phone when I realized the shipment was late. I cried to my mom on the phone because I was just too overwhelmed. I cried to the hubby again last night because I felt unsupported and crazy (and he has been absolutely supportive!)

Feeling better today.....I hope this is it! Not sure how much more I can take sometimes......

Love, S

Lookin' Good

Had my day 12 follicle ultrasound today. This is the first month with the IUI that I have taken the drug Repronex. Anyway--GOOD results today. VERY GOOD.

So...we are very hopeful that this third time is the charm.

Keep your fingers crossed!!!!!!!!!!!

Love S

Feeling stuck

I am currently really battling my feelings about my weight. After recently losing 30 lbs I have over the last few months gained almost every bit of it back. Now--everyone tells me not to worry, that I should not stress about weight as I am doing something so much more important right now and to just relax.

Well--relaxing is making my ASS FAT!! And can I diet--no! Because I am going through round 3 this week. Can I start a brand new exercise routine? NO---because when you get pregnant you are supposed to stay at the activity level you have been at--which has pretty much been close to zero the last few months.

So what do I do? What I want to do is just lay in bed and eat bon bons even though I would feel terrible about it afterwards. Or I want to just start doing some crazy diet and training to become super-model-bodyish! But I can't do that.

So I am struggling tonight more than most nights with this. Even though I know that in the grand scheme of life this is NOT the biggest challenge I will face.

Love, S

What a GLORIOUS Weekend

The weather could not have been more perfect...
...The company could not have been better...
......Our Easter weekend was great....
...........Hope yours was fantastic too..

...Now for another big day today....
......Going to see the Dr.....

......Stay tuned.....

Love, S

Shot in the .....

I started my new medicine today for round 3. Big needle = no bueno!!!

But--it is all worth it in the end right? So we hope.

Enjoying the beautiful weather we are having here today. Thankful for the sun shining.

Love, S

Start the wait again

So back to see the good ole doc today. Entering into round 3 we are adding a medication so I had to go in for a ultrasound. All looked "ok" so we are ready to proceed. Ordered the meds, another appt set for next Monday to check the status.

Back to waiting.......

I don't think I'm crazy

The Big I can make you think and do some pretty crazy and desperate things. Here are few things I found on the web that people have done:
*Hanging upside down after sex (Gloria Estephan swore it worked for her,lol)
*Avoid eating red meat
*Have sex for 30 days straight
*Avoid sex except during ovulation days
*Avoid any cleaning products (good one, huh?)
*Accupuncture

Except for the red meat I have done my fair share of crazy things to get pregnant. My latest adventure in crazyland is my visit to the local "Herb Shop".

M owns a Herb Shop in town and has been in business for many years. I have never been to her shop before but knew where it was and had often thought of stopping. Well--about two weeks ago I went. I told M what I was there for, that I wanted a baby and had been trying for years. M tells me she is gonna "read my body", which basically consists of me standing there with one arm out while M places her hand on the outstretched arm and with her other hand she starts touching places on by body---apparently if she can press down on my outstetched arm when she touches certain parts of my body that indicates a problem area for that particular body part/organ. She claims I have a thyroid issue and that I have "yeast" in my fallopian tubes. I am also low in calcium and potassium. Apparently the "yeast" needs cleared away so that the fertilized egg can pass into the uterus.

Outcome: I am taking 4 different supplements, 6 of each a day!

Oh yea--and the hubby is taking his fair share of them too!!! What a trooper!

And still no

Still BFN

So AF if you are coming just come already so we can start round 3

Wondering......

One of the biggest frustrations of the "Big I" is always wondering. Because it is always on your mind--even if in the very back corners--pretty much any symptom you have you wonder if it means something.

Take today----after round 2 IUI that yielded a BFN test result this weekend---I have still yet to see AF show her lovely face. So now I wonder.....could I be?

Future posts will tell.......

Love, S

New Day

Today is a new day
...One with new life and new expectations
.......One I plan to live to the fullest
............One I plan to enjoy

To the new life a friend is growing~~Congrats

I hope you all have a great day today. Even when we are busy, stressed, pulled in all directions--finding the fun in the day is what makes it all worth it.

Love, S

When did I get so OLD!!!!!!!!!!!

Decided I would start adding cardio back into my exercise routine. I have been taking pilates twice a week for about a year but cardio is something I will find anyway to get out of. But--as the weight I lost over the summer creeps back on I have no choice but to get my lazy behind moving!

Enter Jillian Michaels and "30 Day Shred". Twenty minutes of torture! Woke up this morning able to now tell where my sciatic nerve is for sure---yowza! Add a serious session of pilates using the chair machine---and you have me tonight--crippled! I hope I can walk or even lift my arms tomorrow!

Love, S

Little background

I can't believe I am creating a blog---or maybe I can! I have always been the type of person who needs to "air" out my feelings about what I am going through. For the last 9 years that has been Infertility. The "Big I" as I should probably call it.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart, love of my life, best friend, person I sometimes dislike the most but always love the most for 10 years. We started to try for a family about a year or so after we were married---meaning I just stopped taking the pill. We were still really young then so we weren't in a huge rush. But when months went by we thought it strange that I was still not prego.

Fast forward to today--months of charting temps; taking clomid, glucosamine and progesterone; meeting with multiple doctors; 2 (well almost 2--may tell that story another time) rounds of IVF; 2 IUIs---still nothing!!

So here will be our journey--not all just about the Big I but also about our life, our love, our family, our friends, and of course our dogs---mostly Molly who is the lucky one to live inside with us. Will I update everyday--I don't know but will try.

Love, S

First time

Well here I go--I have never done this before so there is a first time for everything. Welcome to my life.

Will it entertain you? I hope so.

Will it inspire you? I don't know but it will inspire me to try

Will it make you happy? If you follow me and see who I really am then yes I think it will

Will it help you? It will help me

Love, S