Time to Take a Break

After another round and still a negative result we have made the decision to take a break. Not sure how long we will take the break for--maybe the summer only, maybe til the beginning of next year, who knows! If it was up to the hubby we would "break" forever and either move on to pursue adoption or make the decision to not have kids at all. He makes a lot of sense---but right now I am still confused on what I want to do next.

So--for now we are going to take some time to think and relax. We both seem to feel that there is something that is to happen---and maybe soon---but we just don't know yet what it is.

Love, S

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder...
What it would be like if I had had a child earlier.
How would my life be different now?
How would my marriage be?
What kind of parents would we be?

Sometimes I wonder....
What it would be like if we NEVER have children.
Would we be resentful of each other one day?
Would our marriage survive?
Would we love our childless life? Feeling that we are totally carefree forever and just have ourselves to concentrate on? Would we feel selfish? Alone? Alienated from the "parent" world?

Sometimes I wonder...
What it would be like to have a baby right now.
Would I be stressed out all the time?
Would I want my old life back?
Would I love the child more than I love myself or my hubby?
Would I love being a mother?

The answers to all of these questions are scary to me. I worry that I will wake up and wish that my life was different---but right now I love my life! I worry that the part of me that loves my life so much right now is affecting the part of me that wants to have children. I worry that the part that wants children will lose and that I will wake up 30 years from now resenting the part that won. Its not that I don't want children necessarily, its just that I am tired of doing the stuff I have to do to have them. I am worn out, exhaustated, moody, crabby, fat, emotional, and just plan tired of it!!

Love, S

Nervousness

So Monday is Round 4......
Trying to keep my spirits up on this one
I do have a good feeling
So maybe that means something.....


Can't wait to find out!


Love, S

This week

Round 4 is this week (or so that is the plan). What I find ironic is that round 4 may actually take place on Mother's Day--how ironic is that? So it made me think of how this makes me feel. I have always celebrated Mother's Day with my own mother every year and added my mother-in-law years later and then my sister-in-law as she had children. But I have never been the mother---just the daughter, daughter-in-law and appreciative aunt to the worlds best nieces.

So could this be the last one I have to endure as the NON-mother? Truthfully it doesn't really bother me--mother's day. What bothers me the most probably is when others seems to feel sorry for me--like it is a painful day. I guess blessedly I usually have always just thought of it as MY mother's day---the day I celebrate my mother.

But I won't lie---it would be great if next year I am the mother too!

Love, S