Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder...
What it would be like if I had had a child earlier.
How would my life be different now?
How would my marriage be?
What kind of parents would we be?

Sometimes I wonder....
What it would be like if we NEVER have children.
Would we be resentful of each other one day?
Would our marriage survive?
Would we love our childless life? Feeling that we are totally carefree forever and just have ourselves to concentrate on? Would we feel selfish? Alone? Alienated from the "parent" world?

Sometimes I wonder...
What it would be like to have a baby right now.
Would I be stressed out all the time?
Would I want my old life back?
Would I love the child more than I love myself or my hubby?
Would I love being a mother?

The answers to all of these questions are scary to me. I worry that I will wake up and wish that my life was different---but right now I love my life! I worry that the part of me that loves my life so much right now is affecting the part of me that wants to have children. I worry that the part that wants children will lose and that I will wake up 30 years from now resenting the part that won. Its not that I don't want children necessarily, its just that I am tired of doing the stuff I have to do to have them. I am worn out, exhaustated, moody, crabby, fat, emotional, and just plan tired of it!!

Love, S